what it takes

The two-weeks vacation is over. We went to Al-Khobar City_which is in Saudi Arabia_ and since we live in Riyadh_which there is no sea in_ we find Al-Khobar City the perfect spot for vacations, especially around this time of the year. We had great time in there, did both boating and motor-cycling, and boy....that was kinda odd for us to see the desert on  one side and the sea on the right opposite side. Beautiful scene, and great weather. Actually, I will show you some of the photos that I took from this trip, and I just need time to put them on a new post, so wait for that, coz I really think the photos are pretty and they have story

:)

Nothing much now after the trip...just that I lost my bedroom's key during the trip I guess; and had to spend the night on the coach  T_T 

My sister and her kids came over yesterday, they live in Qatar which is outside our country, and I guess we're having them for propebly a week or so....so excited for that!!! I can't tell you how much I love my little two neices...just adore them. My sister is about nine years older then me and finally I'm on a proper age where out thoughts can across each othere since we weren't close before when I was young, I couldn't understand her and she didn't either! But now we are both mature 

She just left me after a loooooooong conversation about  random things, you know, stuff that two sisters would share , and now I'm alone swimming again with my thoughts. Why can't I just skip this part of my life hahahah !!  ^-^ I always observe things and always think deeply about them

I was thinking: what it took me to be able to have conversations with my sister? Is it because of my age? That now I'm old enough? What it takes to be mature

?

I don't think it's because I'm twenty now, or at least not only because of that. I think it's impossible to have mature conversations with adults all the time. Adults are not mature all the time, and some of them are completely immature

I always thought when I was a child that what distincts adults from children is maturity, and now I just found out that I was wrong. I may understand life better than a man in his thirtees. I'm not saying though that I'm sure about myself but I feel confident when it comes to this part. I guess I'm in the process of being mature..I think about life alot. I detail things and investigate its roots and sources, more of a philosopher. I 

don't think that things that happens to us are random but had reason and meaning

The things you see, are usually seen by lots of other people. The issues that tears you apart in your life surley have teared lots of ther people before you. We live the same life basically but we differ in circumstances. But why my eyes are opened widly? Is it because I think too much? and  I just ask myself: Is the thinking productive or not?

Have I bettered things out after that productive thinking? Have I managed my problems after that productive thinking? Do I live a better life now after that deep productive thinking? What kind of good life that I live now?   

I believe that maturity is reached through asking yourself these questions. The moment you start thinking and truly thinking, you may reach  that great trade

Has age anything to do with it? after my argument above: Do you think that 

 in order to have mature conversation, you have to be old?

What it takes then

??

Happy Day

What a happy day I had today!! It's officially our first day in vacation, only two-weeks break for the Adha

Eid, and my family decided to go camping! but there is no mountains near our city :) it's a desert...and it was damn cold ukkkkkkk !

Great timing coz I was about to go mad over all of the things I had to go through! worrying over my mom's health, worrying over my school, and recently worrying over my grandma! Waoof !!! What a strong head that was able to keep all these things inside! But I'm having a happy day today

:)

The peace I needed so much during this tough time came to me only through keeping God inside my heart..I kept thinking God is with me.. will never leave me alone..I figured out that may be I should work harder so 

I can be on a near level to reach God. For further explaination, I decided that I will do more of  good things to people on a dialy basis, and  in my heart I wish God accept them so He answer all of my prayers: I go to the supermarket everyday and buy some juice and cup-cakes and on the way back I give them to any worker-lady I see, coz usually they are poor and they work hard in cleaning up the university and they don't have time to eat something except for a humble breakfast in the morning, and I know this is nothing but at least I'm doing good things...I would do anything to be a good person in front of God

See...this is the thing we learn from ever since KG, that God is with us all the time and that He hears and watch us with each heart-beat for the rest of of our lives. Therefore, I know He is with me. If He is not, then I wonder who created us? this world? and what is the purpose?  This amazing work must've been the work of HIM

The days I can't keep my promise, I instead devote two minutes of my time to have an immediate contact with God through the prayer at night, this is basically the way Muslims reach God: in a direct way. And I put all my hopes in God to keep me all together to face this life

If you think that I'm having serious problems, I'd say I'm the most lukiest person on earth for I've been blessed with so many things that I'm thankful for; but I just observe life from a serious perspective. I'm only twenty and I'm totally a normal college girl who is totally obsessed with Asain dramas, and pretty much a shopholic one, love shopping to death, and I totally RocK :) It's just that I'm not shallow...I believe in my identity, and I'm just trying to live a good life, a life that combines both fun with rational way of living

I originally created this blog, to share with you the lesson that I everyday observe, and I use the verb "observe" coz those lessons are never obvious to us..we either learn them through experiencing them ourselves or from other people who did. So, I guess I I'm doing an extra good thing here :)

Guilty

I had to re-feel it one more time..I have another grandmother. She used to check on my nails, are they cut

or kept long, everytime I visit her, since we don't live together. I am accostamed to that regular check now,

even though I resent it, hate it, and wonder about its significane to my grandmother!

But on this previous Wednesday, no nails were checked. What a weird hour I spent with grandma! There

was somehing else that makes it even stranger; but I couldn't tell immediately. She looked too thin, thinner

than a stick. Her hands were all bones covered by skin. My grandma looks too old than my last visit to her

several months ago.

I had another grandmother who passed away couple of years ago, still smell her everytime I walk in to her

room; and my alive grandma looks just like her now.

Mainly, I was visiting my sick father, and during all the time, he couldn't sit right where he was: he needed to

be next to his mother. I have seen my father so close to his mother, but that Wednesday my dad was too

compassionate with her. At one point, I asked him if he would like me to raise the voice of the TV and he

said yes; so I went to the TV to do so and while doing that I heard my grandma asking my dad of his name!

I just stared at her and forgot about the botton I'm pointing at. My dad noticed that I've heard her and just

gave me a quick glance: like he didn't want me to know that my grandmother is having Zohaimar.

Two days after that, never occured to my mind that topic. But on Friday, during a shower I just took; I

collapsed. I'm now experiencing the terrible feeling I had with my late grandma. I can't bare the thought of

losing my other one.

The guilt has started to dig into my heart.I'm running out of time

now. I didn't do good things to her  yet, I have always been

planning to visit her more frequently; but never did. I have

planned to tell her stories to amuse her, coz she is lonely since she

is an old blinded women with no doughters but one grand-

doughter taking care of her; and she is alone most of the time in

her room.

Several months ago, she would  remember what I would do to her,

she would feel it. Now, she doesn't remember anything. No good

things are to be remembered now. I feel guilty. I have wasted all that time.

My heart, is almost...almost teared into halfs. I have more tears inside my eyes than anyone can ever imagine.

I can't bare the guilt. I know these few coming years are the last years of her life. I'm saying good-bye

already.

Weird Day upon Weird Life

It's Thursday morning right now as I write, but I'm still not yet done with Wednesday. What a weird Wed !!
My older half-brother visited me all the sudden with the news of my father's sudden sikness, so I knew I had to go. I brought with me flowers with lots of different kinds of chocolate and mostly the "Maamoul" that Saudies are famous with. I bought the Mamoul for my grandmother. I have been through this once before, besides, I'm an adult now, I can handle seeing my father like that. I rarely see him in the first place, but now I have twice seen him weak.

My strong, tall, well-shaped feature man, is now sitting in front of me, with his body litraly been cut into halfs. I have never seen something quite like that in my whole life. I have never seen a man so sick, as how my father looked yesterday.

I didn't know what to feel exactly? Am I sad? Am I almost in tears? Am I paling, understand nothing about what exactly is happenning? Am I feeling for my father-am I his doughter? Is he is my father?

I couldn't identify it to be certain, I felt extremely sorry for him, never imagined that that could happen in a normal Wednesday, however, I felt like an outsider, as if am visiting my second relative, may be even more far than just that!

What a waste of life !!  What a waste of a father!! What a waste of a doughter!
It's too late to go back and collect our remainings. There is no way, my father and I can catch it up and re-do it agian. This relationship is imposible from the beginning.

It's sad, that my dad is not able to see me, nor appreciate me. He didn't seem to be caring about me much, even though my half-brother told me that when my father was in the hospital this week; he asked about me, and therefore he sent my half-brother to bring me to him. 

The way my dad cares about me is a way that I don't believe is the right way. I see how he treats my half-brothers, and I see how he treats me. I do my best and he does what he is able to do.

The whole time during my visit, I showed my generousity to the best I can, then I was ignored, and then I returned home, not even once been asked the same questions that he asked his other kids.

I just recognized how life is weird. Lives are been ruined for the rest of their lives. Who is to blame when a child spends his whole childhood and all his life without a father? Who is to blame? 

Ironically, I don't blame dad, nor do I blame anybody else! If I blame him then I wouldn't be kind with him.
Life is being weird, to show us what normal: If we know what is normal directly, then we wouldn't have to live this weirdness!

?Are You Truely You

I woke up this morning and decided to act myself and be myself from now on

Just as simple as that ^^

I have abserved myself lately..And I'm becoming like them!

I've noticed that I'm starting to become all that I hated in some people:

caring only about what other people might think of me 24/7

caring only about my appearance, and not in a good way, I mean, I'm becoming materialistic; I keep wondering all the time, "Do I look like them?"

Everything that I've hated about them

But that's it!

I'm going to ride that bus and go to college, and be who I actually am.

I wear make-up, but only wear it for myself esteem.

Enough with expectations..Enough with fakeness..

So I went to college today..I put my honest and pure smile on my face: sure I had the thought of being an outsider..I thought may be it's too risky to act like me in fron of them!

But then, what made me calm down is when a question occured to my mind, "Would you really wanna meet someone like you who is never relaxed around people, and would act the way he/she wrongly think they  would accept?"

"What un ugly character! Who would put a mask on his face only because other people are wearring it?"

I thought to myself. I mocked my fake-me, "I would never like to meet a person like that!" .

It's my first day back to my true-me

go easy on me ^^

_________________________________

In Quraan, Allah says that all human beings are a 100% equal. The only difference between them is

the goodness and the virtuality they have in their hearts.

the pen that can change the world

It's strange for me to admit to myself that education is the only aspect of my life that I seem to be successful in it. All what I can do at this stage of my life is to get educated. And that's what I can do very well. Education was the way God Has saved me through. I was a miserable highschool -student who couldn't be any worse in Mathmatics than I was. I had no hope of entry to college. I was going to stay at home and propably my parent_I wouldn't say parent(s)for my mom has always charished my presence_ would have get red of me and let me get married; because sometimes in our community that what happenes for uneducated girls. A bless from Allah that saved my soul and I was accepted at my university, but not so easily. College didn't believe in me. It fought for its right to choose only the girls it thought good enough. I wasn't considered good enough. However, I was saved and I got the chance to prove to them that I can be one brilliant student that they would all wish if they didn't rush in their descigion back then.

So why it is important to me that I get educated? Why do I have to be accepted? Why do I have to succeed? Education is the only way for me to be proud. To feel that I am something. I am someone. I am the one that can be active in the society and perhaps the world. In the course of two years, I have acheived so many things that I have always dreamt of. I have accomplished things that I could never been able to do if I was sitting at home.

I was no one. I made my own name, and I am trying to build my future through this path. I'm planning on finishing college with high degrees, and be the man of the family that my family never had. Our society does not believe in me. Could our society though help me build my bright future? So if the boys were preferred over girls; then how come girls are the ones who support their families all the time

?

they pretend that men are the ones that take good care of the society; but why then we never see them supporting us? _ Us meaning the society as a whole _ So why till this day we see fathers favoring their sons to go abroad and study ? do they really study

My Mom though believes in me. She has put all her efforts on me so I can be the citizen my society would be proud of . I took all that strength and carried it along with me; so I would never give up on makig myself clear. I will keep fighting till my father eventually believes that only his girls can save his firm, and so for the other girls in my society

So even if I can never study abroad, nor can I ever be someone to my father's eyes: I'll continue on to prove myself and that I am an important being. Education is really important for girls and we should give it attention. Hopefully this attitude towards educating girls will chaneg, through someone's pen

.....

Three NOSTALGIC years

ever since I have graduated from highschool, this feeling has always been with me wherever I went and whenever. My whole life took another turn since highschool. Nothing is really the same; but not necesserily in a bad way. It's quite wierd, but when I feel that way I feel as if I'm fifty years old. I no longer feel that I'm 19 or 20, at least not from within. It's like I have died after my graduation and ever since then my spirit is flowing to see what happened for 3 years after my death! I know It's a bit hard to explaine; but this is what's actually happenning to me. They say_or in other words_ Try to make the good out of the bad, and take advantage of every single thing you have.

So what do I have? I actually have it all_lucky me_ but I don't seem to be enjoying it; because my spirit is flowing as I've said before. I can only wish that time would slow down a bit; so I can figure out things better and know how to enjoy life. I truely feel overwhelmed by the blessings of God. I know that I should be considered one of the luckiests. However, my own interpretation of Luck is to know how to realize and understand the blessings one self has

You are lucky if you can enjoy what you have. Why it's either to feel nostalgic or to wonder about the future? why can't we enjoy our present. I think if I can stop thinking about the future and stop having those nostalgic nights; I'd be more happy about my present. If we know that the past is a past, and the future is unpredictable; then we might have bigger chances in figuring out our happiness. .

I fly here and there, my spirit is in a constant hunger to return to its original home. While I do that, I try to live the best way I can. There has to be a worthy reason for our presence. We don't actually live and then die for no true reasons. For whatever reason is that, I'll learn how to live my life day by day. I'll do good things. I'll make the people who care for me happy. I'll make a point. I'll do whatever it takes to let my past rest in peace and try to live my present